To The One I Loved The Most

To the one I loved the most,

Today, I am writing this letter. This is one of the hundreds of letters I’ll never send to you because (1) I can’t and (2) I don’t even have the right to do so. Nevertheless, I will write this letter, and I will do it not for you, but for myself. This is the only way I know I can release all of these things that I’m trying so hard to keep inside. You see, it’s very difficult to keep it all here for I fear that one day, it will all explode and destroy me. So as early as now, in this simple way that I can, I will let this all out.

It’s been a year ever since I first saw you. I admit that when I first had a glimpse of you, I was already enthralled by you and your charm. You are really one charming individual. But as soon as I noticed your somehow unusual softness, I quickly shoved away that charm of yours. I see people like you only as potential friends. Days, weeks and months went on and I was never captivated again by your irresistible allure.

However, things can really change that fast, without you wanting it, without you even realizing it. One minute, you were merely a somehow distinguished person in the campus. The next minute, I was already falling into the deep whirlpool of your eyes. I swear to heavens I felt something when you looked into my eyes. I felt something that up until now, I can’t explain and I can’t  understand. It’s as if something inside me suddenly came alive.

And when that something came alive, I tried to bring it back to sleep. Again, I see people like you only as potential friends. But that something seem to be too powerful for me to handle and when I can’t anymore order it to sleep or even ask it to take a nap, I decided to just welcome it. I entertained that something and let it rule over me. At that time, I thought to myself, “This is just a happy crush. No more. No less.”

So I treated you as my happy crush. I said hi to you and smiled at you whenever I get the chance. I stalked your profile. I liked all your posts and pictures. I shared stories about you to my friends.  You were then my source of simple but vital happiness. You were indeed my happy crush.

But things happened and that happy crush vanished. I started to like you.

I cannot anymore say hi to you or smile at you because I became too shy. I did not just stalk your profile, I started asking about you to some people. I did not just share stories about you to my friends, all my stories became all about you. You became my source of inspiration.

I started to like you and by each passing day, I learned to like you even more. I like you and your friendly smile that never faded from your face. I like you and your sweet but assured voice. I like you and your intelligence. I like you and your courage to face everything that you have to face. I like you and your selfless and loving heart. I like you for all that you are and for all that you’re not. I really do. I like you to the point that I confessed my feelings for you. But me liking you is not enough because even though I like you, you do not like me back. You will never like me back.

Some people say that love is worth the wait. I believed them. When I confessed to you and you somehow rejected me, I told you that I hope we will be friends. But after that, even though I am already certain of where I stand with you, I still waited. I waited and waited. And I think I have waited long enough.

Other people say that if you truly love someone, you should learn to let them go. This is what I believe in now. I know that I should let go. I should let go of all that I feel for you. I am letting go of all that I feel for you.

I want to say sorry. I’m sorry because I fooled you. When you are with me, I am showing you that I do not care a bit about you even though heaven knows that I do. I’m sorry because I make myself cold when I am talking or chatting with you. I sometimes choose not to reply on purpose so you will not notice how much I want to talk to you. I’m sorry because I avoid making eye contact with you. I just do not want you to see how much I long for you. I’m sorry for all the days and nights I cried and cried and cried and cried because I was so angry at myself for liking you. I’m sorry because I still think of you everyday. I’m sorry because I still want to feel your hands on mine. I’m sorry because I still dream of being in your arms. I’m sorry because I still hope that one day, you will be mine. I’m sorry because I liked you so much. I’m really sorry because I have tried my best, I have done everything, but it’s still you.

I also want to say thank you. Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you because you came to my life. Without you even realizing it, you changed a big part of me. Because of you, I learned many things. Thank you for teaching me the importance of taking chances and grabbing opportunities. You taught me that I need to be brave enough to seize the moment and to do what I want to do. Thank you for being my inspiration. You have inspired me in so many ways. Through you, I strived to become a better person. Thank you because you made me really happy. Before, I never thought that anyone could make me happy just by their mere presence, but when I met you, I learned that it is truly possible. Thank you for the countless times you made me smile. I know that your actions are just because of your innate friendliness, but nevertheless, these actions of yours warmed my heart in a way that I could never explain. Thank you for the poem. Thank you for everything that happened in my life that you became a part of.

I know that you see me only as a small, young and vulnerable girl, but I want you to know that despite my being that girl, my intentions and feelings for you have always been true. Don’t be disgusted by me and don’t worry, I’m now really starting to let go of all of this. It is painful, very painful-it’s the kind of pain that rips your heart and wrecks your soul-but I know that I have to do this. You will always have a special place in my heart, but I can’t continue hoping for something that I know will never, ever happen.

I hope you find a person who will love you much more than I did. I hope that person realizes how important you are. I hope he will make poems for you, write letters to you, treat you in the best way that you deserve to be treated. I hope you find your happiness. Be a great teacher.

I’m sorry, thank you and goodbye.

The one who loved you the most

July 10, 2015

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