Why do I feel like this? I feel like being stabbed by an endless sword through the heart. Everywhere I look, I see you and I remember all the things that we did together. Whenever I go to the places that we love to go, memories come back and I don’t even know if I should smile or cry.
I don’t want to listen when people talk about us. I don’t even want to remember every single thing that I had with you before. Endless faceless talking; I don’t even know why I’m happy. Maybe it’s just the only way for us to talk forever.
Sometimes, when I look into the sky, I imagine you looking high up there, too. But I doubt that you will do the same. Realizing that simply breaks my heart. Every time I sit down on an empty bench, I lay my arms aside as if I were holding your back. I talk to the air and they say I’m stupid. I know I am. More stupid when alone.
Now I’m standing in front of the mirror. Been thinking of you hugging me from the back then kissing me on the cheek. Stupidity. I know you wouldn’t do such a thing. What am I even thinking? Maybe some dreams are not meant to come true. I don’t want to listen to sad songs anymore. I don’t even want to listen to the songs we have enjoyed. Everything that we had before. None of them I want to remember.
Suicide? What a stupid idea. I can live another life. A better life. Without you.
I’m not sad. Why would I? I’m not even bitter. We are fine. Maybe the best way to describe this is an endless sword stabbing my heart. Making me remember everything I did and everything that I want to forget.
June 24, 2012